lost

Have you ever wonder who is actually here for you , during your ups and downs ? people who is willing to stay by you no matter what ? do you have that person ? if you do , you're lucky . treasure that person deeply. cause you dont know how lucky you are to have that person until that person leaves your life. Life is full of regrets isnt it ? 

Im really trying my best to be that happy girl again. but im too insecure. im scared . scared that one day , everyone starts to leave and become un-contactable. my biggest fear. is when that person i enjoy talking to leaves for another person. being too insecure isnt good at all. from a caring insecure to a paranoid insecure. to lastly , irritating insecure. i guess im already at stage two of insecure. why ?

People often ask me , " How are you doing ? " " Hows life so far ? " i always fake a god damn smile and tell them im fine , life is good. why am i lying to myself ? am i afraid that people might call me an attention seeker ? cause im not . and i just dont know who i can trust and who can i not. why is teenager's life so tough ? full of mistakes that if you take the wrong path , there is no turning back ? i dont want to be someone who regrets everything . i want to live life to the fullest . being happy. 

I want to be that girl who always says " Yolo " who always laugh at her problems. i just cant . im more insecure then before. i always think of what others think of me. im always trying to please others. but who is here to please me ? no one. im always there for others , who is always here for me ? 

i feel lost . alone . i used to have so many listening ears . now ? 1 or 2 thats all . why . did i do something wrong that why we dont talk anymore ? or just cause im boring ? sigh , my insecurities acts up again. i just cant help myself. people has atleast one friend that texts everyday always close to each other in school ? what about me ? i always feel nothing. always following people . no one takes me as family huh . 

i will never ever understand what they are trying to say . i never even once feel like they really treat me as family. when they need me , they text me. when they dont need me , where was i thrown to ? im always feeling left out . now im stressed up. but who is here ? haha no one .

Sorry for the very wordy yet emotional blog post . i just needed a good rant. and this was the only place i cold rant in peace. 

Update soon . x

- twinkle.